STREAM OF CONSCIOUS TOURNAMENT

Here’s something I do when I’m really bored at work: think of the first two random characters that pop into my head and try to figure out who wins. It could be considering practice for debating/determining VS matches. Who knows? So, anyways, it’s now a tournament. Because. Apologies if any of the logic is flawed. It’s not a sound process, it’s just late night bullshitting.

PART 1

PIKACHU (Pokemon) beat BATMAN (DC)
REASONS: Faster, stronger(!), outputs more electricity than Batman can handle. Granted, Batman does have an electrical component to his suit, but it’s on the level of a tazer. Plus, what if it gets in his mouth? What about that, smart guy?

ROBOCOP beat HARRY POTTER
REASONS: Faster, stronger, more durable, guns are quicker and more precise than a wand. Plus the killing curse would have no effect on a being mostly made of machinery and dead tissue.

RONALD MCDONALD beat THE DOCTOR (Doctor Who)
REASONS: Doctor's lack of direct experience with magic, plus not being the kind of person who would try to use time travel tricks to defeat an opponent like this, since it would fuck with the timestream.

CARMEN SANDIEGO beat THE KOOL-AID MAN
REASONS: No reason to believe she can't just steal the Kool-Aid Man like she does to big-ass monuments all the time. Then she’ll put him on the sun. She has space travel amongst her abilities, and there’s no reason to believe that even if the Kool-Aid Man could survive that, that he has a method of escape.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG beat the living FUCK out of ADOLPH HITLER
REASONS: Hitler is a real-life historical person with no supernatural powers or gadgets. Even if it's one of the versions that does have those, use Archie Sonic, and wank him to high Heaven if you have to. I am not handing a win to goddamn Hitler. Plus, admit it, the image of Sonic the Hedgehog beating the living FUCK out of Adolph Hitler is an entertaining one to envision.

KERMIT THE FROG (The Muppets) beat GEORGE WASHINGTON
REASONS: Kermit the Frog can survive the vacuum of space, has a modern-style gun, and can survive attacks from Miss Piggy, who can bend steel. George Washington has, at best, a bayonet or a musket, and normal human physical attributes, maybe worse, what with the wooden teeth and lack of modern medicine.

COUNT DRACULA (Castlevania) beat SON-GOKU (Dragon Ball)
REASONS: The version I’m using is the Castlevania one, since his abilities seem the most concrete in my mind. That said, Castlevania is stupidly OP. Like Multiversal and all that. Plus, can ki be detected in an undead entity? I’mma just say Dracula.

JOHNNY BRAVO beat DANNY TANNER (Full House)
REASONS: Johnny Bravo is a buff dude whose bicep is the size of Danny Tanner’s head, at the very least. Yes, he gets his ass kicked by every woman he meets, but these are women that can lift a grown man up in the air and throw him down to the ground. He lives in a society where every woman is Wonder Woman, basically. Danny Tanner, despite technically living in the same universe as Steve Urkel, has never encountered anything substantially out of the norm for real life, or, at the very least, the laws of physics. Plus, I don’t even think the later “edgy” Bob Saget could stand a chance.

LISA SIMPSON (The Simpsons) beat MR. BUCKET
REASONS: Mr. Bucket has no incentive to pursue Lisa, since Lisa Simpson has no balls, as handily demonstrated here: 68.media.tumblr.com/6cdd3b9bee… Don’t worry, nothing explicit is shown, it’s just words on a screencap of the Simpsons. But anyways, there’s really nothing stopping her from just tipping the stupid thing over. Hopefully before he gets word of Homer or Bart being around...

MULDER & SCULLY (X-Files) beat ALF
REASONS: They’re basically experts at catching aliens, and ALF would not be the most intimidating one they’ve encountered, to say the least. He may have been a security guard on Melmac, but so what? I’m a security guard, currently. Nothing goddamn happens. It’s boring. I don’t even have a gun. Mulder & Scully have guns. They could cap me, and they could cap ALF. ALF may have a salami stick, which is just the ticket for those nasty bats, but not for FBI agents.

SUPERMAN beat POPEYE
REASONS: Popeye’s ridiculous, but the highest level feat of his that I am aware of is giving the sun a black-eye. Superman, even Post-Crisis, can handle multiple supernovae at once. It’d be a sight to see, but ultimately, I think it’s Superman.

MR. MEESEEKS (Rick & Morty) beat ALBUS DUMBLEDORE (Harry Potter)
REASONS: If Mr. Meeseeks is given the goal of “kill Albus Dumbledore”, he will eventually succeed. Even if it was Voldemort, he’d probably go and find all the Horcruxes and such. Snape killed Dumbledore, and I don’t think it seemed that hard. Plus, like I said, something with a gun could probably kill the average Harry Potter wizard, especially a really old one who kind of wants to die.

JESUS CHRIST beat JOSEPH STALIN
REASONS: Jesus has numerous abilities, but something you may not have thought of, in terms of combat application, is turning water into wine. The amount of water in an adult human’s body is 50%-65%. A blood alcohol level of just 0.45% is fatal. I know Russians are well-known for drinking (mostly vodka), but still. Joseph Stalin, in spite of USSR propaganda, is a mere mortal. If it really comes down to it, Jesus can infinitely resurrect, and also do the other thing I said.

MARIO beat THE TERMINATOR
REASONS: Mario is even further from the abilities of a normal human than Sarah Connor or Kyle Reese were, plus, at least in the form of Metal Mario, he can survive molten lava, which is more than I can say for the T-800.

TOHRU (Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid) beat GEORGE W. BUSH
REASONS: Fire-breathing dragon girl who can evaporate all the clouds in the air. Normal-ass human. You know the drill.

DIO BRANDO (JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure) beat THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
REASONS: I’m pretty sure just dropping a steamroller on him alone would severely impede Thomas, let alone Dio’s other abilities.

PART 2

PIKACHU beat ROBOCOP
REASONS: Although I do prefer Robocop (just a bit more), Pikachu is again, too fast for the dude, and that amount of electricity would most likely fuck with him.

CARMEN SANDIEGO beat RONALD MCDONALD
REASONS: Unlike the Doctor, she most likely would think to do something like “go back in time and kill him as a baby” or “make sure McDonald’s never gets founded as a company in the first place so that Ronald McDonald has no reason to exist.” She’s a criminal. She doesn’t care. Don’t get in her way.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG beat KERMIT THE FROG
REASONS: Sad to say, pretty much any major version of Sonic surpasses Kermit in strength, speed, durability, etc. Any factor that matters, Kermit can’t measure up.

COUNT DRACULA beat JOHNNY BRAVO
REASONS: Do you really think Johnny’s smart enough to pull this off? He does resemble the Captain N version of Simon Belmont, but let’s be real, folks. Dracula literally roasts him.

MULDER & SCULLY (barely) apprehend LISA SIMPSON
REASONS: Unlike most of the characters on this list, these two have met before, since Mulder & Scully, voiced by the original actors, were featured prominently in an episode of the Simpsons. That said, while I don’t think it’s in their nature to beat up a little girl, even if her skin and hair are the same thing, there’s not much she could do if they just handcuffed her or something. Granted, there are versions of Lisa that have superpowers, but this is in video games or Treehouse of Horror-type stuff. Not canon. Bart never actually versus-ed the Space Mutants, never mind Lisa.

MR. MEESEEKS (eventually) beats SUPERMAN
REASONS: This is a war of attrition, almost. But there is a Rick & Morty short where Meeseeks becomes “Singularity Meeseeks” or some such, and basically it destroys the universe. Unless it’s Superman-Prime, or the Superman Thought Robot, he most likely is not surviving that. I’m not even sure if Pre-Crisis Superman could survive it.

JESUS CHRIST (might?) beat MARIO
REASONS: Look, I don’t really want to say “Mario beats Jesus”. I shouldn’t have even brought Jesus into this in the first place. I don’t know if Mario has the same type of innards as a normal human. I do know they both have extra lives. :V But anyways, Jesus can also clone an infinite amount of food, which could mean that He could take Mario’s mushroom, and make Himself so big that He would literally stomp Mario. Sure. Plus, He’s God.

DIO BRANDO beat TOHRU
REASONS: Poor girl never saw it coming. Literally. I think Dio’s faster than her, plus he can stop time. Nothing fancy to say here.

PART 3

CARMEN SANDIEGO beat PIKACHU
REASONS: If Team Rocket can manage to catch Pikachu once, and Pikachu has been forced against its will into a Pokeball before, who is to say that Carmen Sandiego cannot accomplish the same things, as a master thief who often specializes in seemingly impossible heists? Plus she can steal talent, and this is a shockingly (heh) similar concept to TM/HM moves in Pokemon, what with Pokemon “forgetting” how to do this such move, but instead learning this new move! What happens if Pikachu forgets ALL of its moves? What then? Even with Ash around, it’s not like he’s some sort of mental giant. Plus he failed to stop Pikachu from getting stolen before. In fact, only Pikachu ever put the effort into not having Team Rocket steal him. And the lightning won’t be a deterrent. It seems to not put Ash, Jesse, or James into much harm afterwards. Carmen has all the time in the world, anyways, and can probably just travel around and steal knowledge-bases on all of Pokemon. She might catch Mewtwo itself, even. Or Arceus.

You can really tell my logic is great.

COUNT DRACULA beat SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
REASONS: I just simply can’t picture how Sonic beats the Castlevania Dracula. A multiversal entity that orders around even Death itself. Outskirts Battledome (okay-ish source?) says his speed is Infinite/Instantaneous. This is ri-godamn-diculous. Looks like Sonic is too slow here.

MULDER & SCULLY confiscate THE MEESEEKS BOX and turn it over to THE MEN IN BLACK
REASONS: Supreme bullshit logic here. Someone I just said beats Superman loses to two mere mortals. They probably know about Rick and all his doodads, though. The moment he pulls the Meeseeks box out, they snatch it before he does anything with it. Meaning no Mr. Meeseeks. Either they do what I said first, or Rick might kill them afterwards, but either way, it’s not a Meeseeks win. Meesseeks wasn’t here. I just don’t want all of these to be “Mr. Meeseeks, go kill (insert name here).” “Oooooh, can doooooo!”

JESUS CHRIST beat DIO BRANDO
REASONS: Holy items generally defeat vampires. Crosses, holy water, all that stuff. Jesus is literally that, but as a person. Just being around Dio would probably kill Dio. “Holy diver, you’ve down too long in the midnight sea!” (I guess saying “holy” and “Dio” made me have to quote that) Plus, doesn’t Jesus exist in JoJo’s? Wasn’t he the first Stand user or something?

PART 4

CARMEN SANDIEGO beat COUNT DRACULA
REASONS: Carmen is a worldly (universe-ly?) person. She almost certainly knows all about Dracula and what his weaknesses are. Just throw Holy Water, crosses, garlic bread, wooden stakes, and solar panels at the dude. Sure.

JESUS CHRIST beat MULDER & SCULLY
REASONS: Really, this is the ultimate test of faith in the incredible. But again, water to wine. Mulder and Scully, for all their supernatural expertise, are still human. So they’d die. I don’t think Jesus can be shot either, unless he allowed it to be so. But he probably wouldn’t get shot for our sins.

FINAL BATTLE

CARMEN SANDIEGO VS JESUS CHRIST
WHO WINS?
This is a really tough decision. Jesus can essentially affect anything in the human body, with His ability to cure disease, and again, the whole “water-to-wine = fatal alcohol poisoning” thing I’ve devised. Carmen Sandiego is capable of stealing abstract concepts and other impossible things, including language, math, health, science, the Milky Way galaxy, the Ozone Layer, every face of George Washington on the dollar bill that ever has or will exist, musical talent…

I don’t think you really want me to say she beats Jesus Christ. What this comes down to is that Jesus is the mortal embodiment of God that’s supposed to be here on Earth in closed periods of time, as far as I can tell. I could say that crucifixion proves He has limits, but considering that He can revive as much as He is so inclined, and, much like fellow Christmas icon Frosty the Snowman, He’ll be back again some day, I believe that this is a self-imposed limit. Jesus = God. God can do whatever the Heaven (because Hell’s not appropo) He wants. If Carmen Sandiego tries her hax bullshit on God...if she tries to HEIST GOD...she’s going to just get struck down with lightning. If push comes to shove, she will know His name is the Lord when He lays his vengeance upon her. And that’s the bottom line.

WINNER: JESUS CHRIST! As in, “Jesus Christ, this was goofy!”

If you liked this...you’re as bad as I am. But still, if the Hunger Games things can be successful, sure, why not? If you wanna see another thing like this, or do one of your own, go right ahead. Even tag me if you like.